Zombitude

I've figured out what the deal is with zombies. They suffer from death apnea, a condition that interrupts their normal death and causes them to go slouching around, making weird noises and trying to eat people's brains. What they need are E-NAP (Eternal Negative Air Pressure) machines that would suck all the air out of them so they could go back to being normally dead and leave everyone else the fuck alone. Are you listening, health care industry? Which begs the question: would insurance pay for the machines? We couldn't very well blame the zombies if they couldn't afford the machines. After all, whatever it is they do doesn't pay a lot, except for the ones that manage to get into government.