Alternate Speculations

1. If Bill Gates, with the $34 billion from Warren Buffett, finds a cure for AIDS, maybe people will stop writing so many Windows-targeted viruses.

2. Maybe Bill Gates should take the $34 billion and instead of trying to find a cure for AIDS, he should find a way to make Microsoft programs less annoying.

Kill The Messenger

Someone should start a messenger service whose employees are all death row inmates. Then one could kill the messenger and actually be performing a useful service.

Viva Globalization!

Congratulations to the National Football League for playing its first regular season game in Mexico City. Now that the Mexicans have those of our jobs that have been left over by the Chinese and the Indians, I guess they can afford to buy tickets to football games.

Thinning the Herd

So the good news is that all the iPod people will go deaf, and they won't hear when somebody yells "Look out! A safe is about to fall on your head!," and then they'll die.

Mind you, I'm not in principle against MP3s or compact MP3 players. It's just iPods and downloading as a "lifestyle," not to mention the crappy music that most of those people listen to.

New Religion

There's a new religion of Bush the Father, Bush the Son, and Bush the Holy Crap How Could Anyone Be That Stupid and Insensitive!*

*“And so many of the people in the arena here, you know, were underprivileged anyway, so this is working very well for them." - Barbara Bush after touring the refugee camp at the Houston Astrodome.

Linguistics, part deux

Every @#$% thing we buy is @#($&*% made in @!#$(&% China! How old does one have to be to absolved from the admonition that "you'd better start learning Chinese"?

Higher Logic

The logic of those who would have us believe they have a special relationship with a deity is nothing if not fascinating, infuriating, and entertaining. Some examples:

• Professional athletes who make some sort of religious gesture when they come to bat, prepare for a foul shot, or line up for a field goal. Leaving aside the chutzpah implicit in the assumption that the deity has nothing better to do than take part in their activity, what happens if they make the gesture and are unsuccessful? Does it mean that the deity favors the other team or likes some other player better or that this player is unworthy of help? If a player constantly prays before coming to bat and then hits for a low average, does the player reexamine his or her life and try to become more worthy of help? What if a player prays before the action and then cheats by, say, taking steroids?
• The religious right who are praying to god to create more vacancies on the Supreme Court to replace the godless activitist justices with more correct justices, justices who would allow the placement of the ten commandments in court buildings (despite the fact that, as Bill Maher has pointed out, only two of the ten commandments are actually laws) and permit prayer (Christian prayer) in public school. If god is all powerful, then how did the current justices get on the Court in the first place? Did they sneak in whilegod was on his annual five-week vacation? And if god is all powerful, and justices are removed by death or illness, are the people who pray for that to happen accessories to attempted murder or reckless endangerment?
• The settlers in the Gaza strip who resisted leaving because they claimed that god had placed them there. Isn't it also a possiblity that god now wants them to leave?
• And leave us not forget to mention people who feel that god wants them to kill people by committing suicide, despite the fact that there is no scriptural authority for this contention.